the supreme felicity

2008-12-25T20:15:00.001-04:00

When people think you're perfect, you get screwed.

2008-12-25T13:09:00.001-04:00

If we knew anything, we would never speak.

Streetlights and the Moon

2008-08-05T18:10:00.001-04:00

I remember the balance beam

2008-07-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

On the stage. Blue curtains. Really small. Maybe one day out of 180. But it was there. And I walked across it.

Macarena. I remember the macarena. White floors. Lady teacher. Those tight pants with the hook that goes under your foot were in. So were gym-y clothes.

Mr. J. Art guy. Jay or J or Jose. Don't know. Remember we crayon-ed paper with colors, then with black on top, and scratched off the black to make designs. Pretty. We sat on the floor a lot in elementary school. The halls were color coded. The door was on his right, he was facing us, and behind us both were tables. I don't remember what the tables looked like.

Connor. Gummy bears. Learned to count. Went around in buckets. We used to line up on the right side of the hall. I remember the door knobs were silver and long, not like the ones at home. Professional. She made me cry. And there were parent conferences, a bench outside. I sat with my brother. I used to get O's mostly but I got an S in organization skills. The life that proliferates from such a tiny origin.

Read Ramona Quimby with Washington. Across the hall, a little to the right. Cousin was in this class. 1st grade. Later transfered to a school where I had a teacher whose name started with either R, T, or J. We got workbooks. They seemed smart. And amazed I could read. I guess that's where it started. My neck burns.

I believe I had a Barney lunch box. Do they make lunch boxes anymore? Pink thermos thing. My mom gave me Chinese one day. When the KGers were actually allowed to eat in the cafeteria - was amazing. I think it was a half day.

Second grade. Going down the hall. Farrel was her name. Farrell? Lovely woman. I wish...someone could have just known. Its ok. Keep remembering. ...can't do it. Bye.

What a Year

2008-07-15T10:18:00.002-04:00

I think of life and nothing comes to mind except the burning feeling in my cardiac sphincter- the here, the now. No memories, thoughts, recollections come pouring back onto me. I cannot remember the time I was at Cold Spring Elementary serving snow cones for community service in sixth grade, I don't remember what I wore, I don't remember if I felt accomplished at the end or not. I don't know if it was really in sixth grade. I don't remember all my teachers' names, the people I spent 9 months at a time with chewing up one subject. I can't tell you the names of all my friends, my past friends, my new friends. I can't tell you where they live now. I don't remember. I'm not anorexic. I'm not schizophrenic. There is no beautiful, wonderful, glorious, sublime point that will become apparent to you at the last full stop of this post. There will be a lot of I's, a lot of me's. I know I'm selfish- have I always been. I remember the red checkered dress I used to wear in fifth grade. I remember those 100 problem multiplication facts we used to do in Mrs. Lynn's second grade math class; I finished them in 2 minutes or less, with pride. I remember that Great Books circle in first grade, I remember that's where I saw the word "essay" spelt out, and prior to that I thought it was written "S.A." I remember first learning that if you leave the phone reciever off the phone thingy for too long, it will make this buzzing, repetitive, periodical noise. I remember my fourth grade teacher, I remember the interview before I got to the Center program. I remember being a patrol. I vaguely remember having a patrol log. There was food poisoning at the picnic. These are things I have not thought of since they happened, and I am thinking of them now. I'm not thinking about those often-mulled memories, those sad ones, those drastic ones, those ones which we think mark our lives. I'm trying to find the recesses, I'm trying to discover the entire picture. Relief. Like a flat sculpture. I remember going to Professor Penn when my mom had to take precalculus. I remember he wore maroon and he made chalk dust enter my nose and he had glasses and a grey beard. I remember going to Magruder's when I was a kid...I don't remember what we used to buy. Actually I remember the first time we went there, the produce section was called Farmer's Market and I do believe my parents thought it was some kind of real farmer's market. Maybe it was. I don't really know. I remember these pink and green sunglasses I had when we lived in Silver Spring, I lost them in the laundry room. When we were moving, I kept hoping we would find them. I remember my first brother being born. It was really rainy. And it was nighttime. And it was in another city. And I didn't know he was the doll in the see-through cradle; I thought that was his toy. I remember a girl called Renee. Vaguely. I think she had a February birthday. I remember playing cards with my aunt in her basement. I remember the black and white house. I remember there was this game with two pieces, everytime we found one, we lost the other. I remember when her computer was loading I got impatient because the mouse moved to slow, then I tried it and I realized it was the mouse and not her. I remember seeing her orange patrol badge rolled up in the wooden floored foyer everyday after school. I think we used to make Gimp. I think my bus was called the Red bus. I probably wore a red tag around my neck or something. I remember we used to sit at round tables. There was a dude named Derek. Kindergarten. The floor of the gym was taped off in circles of red, yellow, and blue. Not sure about green.

When you arrive

2007-07-24T09:12:00.002-04:00

I'm a disaster inside,
So I was just wondering,
When you'd arrive.

The minute hand keeps scratching
Its way around the circumference.
And I was just wondering,
If it'd be possible to get your confidence,
When you arrive.

I swear its like talking to a vaccuum,
Meaningless noise,
Creating a void.
But someone told me, long ago
That you were coming
That you'd, one day, arrive.

So as the time keeps passing in this hellhole
As my feet crack by their soles
When I become old and gray and still wonder, hey
When will you arrive?

At least I'll know that I thought once,
That you would arrive.

Gold Foil, Orange Glint

2007-06-24T03:06:00.000-04:00

The orange glint of the street lamps reflected on the outside curvature of my vinyl blinds, leaving the concavity facing me grey as my mental sky. My perseverent smoke alarm beseeched to me a battery replacement, kindly reminding every 2 minutes by way of a shrill migraine-inducing beep. And a migraine I could almost claim to have had.

I rested my pounding head on the cool and firm drywall, propped at a vantage point through my window, attempting to absorb some coolness and firmness for myself, all the while completely aware of the basic thermodynamic laws that intervened. Heat is assimilated by the cooler body from the warmer. I was not absorbing anything positive, rather I was a hyperthermic burdening the wall with my aches. I cannot deny though, that its coolness was a welcome sanctuary.

My head was a reenactment of Rutherford's laboratory. Forehead is to gold foil as anxiety is to alpha particle. As if originating from a space in my cranial anterior, shooting straight beams to my forehead, ceaseless pain manifested itself in regular intervals - only intensifed by each screeching plea of my smoke detector. In these moments Rutherford sent gamma rays. After piercing my gold foil multiple times, the conclusion too was the same - somewhere in the foreground was a dense nucelus, a cause. My proton of hope, generated by a possibility of understanding, exploded into quarks as I realized I did not have a mass spectrometer.

There were things that needed to be written about, tasks that needed to be done. Yet the trigger on the subatomic particle gun was not the mere threat of impending doom, rather it was an existing calamity. A frustration. When you know what you need to do while equally aware that you cannot do so, that is sufficient ammunition to deflect a few particles in a pathway sure to pierce the heart. So long as I don't perish thus, so long as I have by me a cool wall to absorb extra heat, so long as the orange glint is at least visible to me, even from the inside.

Forgiving

2007-06-23T04:13:00.001-04:00

The following is a reflection on myself after a struggle against myself to forgive others for certain things they had done repeatedly, may Allah guide them & forgive them too. It's not very coherent, but here you go inshaAllah:

I had been searching for justice upon this earth, which is hardly feasible, but furthermore, I was asking for justice to be wrought by those who have wronged me- not exactly the best place to look for justice, even amongst the imperfect mankind that we are. Allah is our Judge, and to Him is our Return. It is Allah I aim to please - this is a very important point. I was so hell-bent on obtaining justice and an apology from the other side, so obsessed with just behavior from my fellow human beings, that I had forgotten the true significance of what it means to "desire only to please Allah SWT." Our aim in life is to submit to Him SWT, to come closer to Him SWT through our submission, and to please Him SWT. Did not Allah SWT say "I have not created mankind and jinn except to worship Me"?

If I believe in/know of Allah SWT's Almighty grasp over all things in this universe, then as a believer, I understand through my intellectual faculty that all conditions I am put through are a result of Allah's decree. Thus, the fact that others are continually wronging me and that I am having a hard time forgiving them, is another trial that Allah SWT has put me through – the only way I can pass is by fulfilling the “objective”, which is invariably to worship Allah SWT. If I am able to not only acknowledge this fact once, but to preserve this in the forefront of my heart/mind at all times, everything I do will become easy, and insha’Allah everything will more likely be blessed by Allah SWT. And if I have a hard time just remembering, all I have to do is ask Allah to help me remember.

My deeds are counted by Allah, my actions are noted by Allah (or by scribes appointed by Him SWT), and my Hereafter is in His control. The dunya is by definition an imperfect, impure, unjust place (though pockets of good exist, and that is in the hearts of those who carry Allah’s guidance), but the dunya is not created by good hearts – it is an aggregation of a million different factors, it is a pinball game where you’re not always the only one controlling the pinball hand-controller-thingies. Yet the greatest reassurance is that this dunya is, in comparison to Eternity, like a day or part of a day. I can handle a day if I know its going to end in a day – if I forget, and am alluded that it will be forever, its not going to be easy to forgive. All Allah SWT is asking me is to forgive what cannot be fixed for a day’s length, while reminding me that all the sacrifices I make for Him will be accounted for and rewarded in the most sublime of ways! And furthermore, He gives me the gift of dua - an instrument through which I can obtain the strength necessary to do so! How easy can it become?

All my blabber is summed up pretty nicely in a simple saying we have all heard before: Hasbiyallahu wa ni’mal wakeel.

Allah is enough for me and He is the best of those who give account and represent.

Musings in a Garden

2007-06-17T18:26:00.000-04:00

A shrill cry penetrates the stillness, shattering the wind. It comes not once but over and over again. This scream I cannot quell with response, for if I yell back the scream will only be doubled in magnitude, only breaking what is impossible to fragment more.

I walk through the bushes and the branches overhead. Not the gleeful cacophony of children squealing and birds singing. A deliberate bullet of sound, piercing the world that my senses receive. Perhaps she is incapable of gentle speech. Perhaps he knows nothing but foul verbal response in a state of panic. Ironic. Surrounding us is only nature’s most potent pacifier – peace. Not even the sweat that ceaselessly accumulates on my forehead and under the merciless sun, through my black garment, could disconcert me thus. A dream. Accompanied by many, yet accompanied by none. Distant noises tempting my senses. A conflict. Screams, songs, stench, fragrance. Each pleasure abound by its antithesis. I cannot reach for the rope so far away while captive of the one to which I am presently tied, else I will snap like the twig stepped on by an innocuous woodpecker, or like the whip that the angry fling in their quest for reverberation. Perhaps when I find them the pathway they had sought, they will welcome me with the sweet sound of gratitude. Stuck in a mesh of nature: the vile nature of man, and the symphonic nature of this earth. A perfect rendition of what heaven will exactly not be. Instead, an even more abusive avalanche falls upon me. Mounted upon each other the stone-hearted yet passionate wanderings of man, I can only know that one day I will suffocate in the pile. I cannot be at home in this fray, yet I feel more at home here than in a pile where forced to breathe the dirt, un-tantalized by the sight of a beautiful earth. May peace and blessings be with you, oh creatures of the Lord.

Al-Islam

2007-06-15T22:33:00.001-04:00

A burned scar upon my soul
What will be its ointment?
An anchor weighing down my heart
Who will heave it up?
A crying, seething gash in the life I live
Who will sit patiently and sew it together?

Something stronger, something flawless
Not burdened with its own scars, weights, and gashes.
Something perfect, something infinite
Something whose sanctuary I can seek forever,
Without making it weary, tired, exhausting its usefulness.

Something whose power is a fountain gushing,
Every molecule of its water, pure
The same hydrogen and oxygen combined in the same pure proportion
Relentlessly constant
A landmark in a ceaselessly varying land
A longed-for, sought-out bottom to a deep, dark, and frightening sea.

A friend who will call you when you do not want to hear
A companion who will nag at you to help you up
Even when you want to be self-sufficient.

A mirror, a pattern book
A facial blemish cream
An oil-based cleanser
Something so seamlessly healing,
Of something you can only dream

Someone I didn’t know before
Yet I had always secretly hoped
Just waited through the fury and the misty waves
Just waited for a beacon, a lighthouse to arise
Just waited for but never knew would come
Someone of this nature
Something of this might
Something of such glory and purity
That I call it back and embrace it and indulge in it tonight.

Goblet

2007-05-28T23:16:00.001-04:00

Goblet.
Medium: Prismacolor pencil on art-grade white paper

This peice is an abstraction of a lil bronze goblet my art teacher had lying around. I had to make 8 contour drawings of the goblet from different perspectives, flipping it upside down, looking at it from a different angle, etc. Then I split up the page with four straight/curvy lines from top to bottom and left to right. After designating sections for drawings of the goblet and sections for just random shapes and designs, I started coloring stuff in, keeping in mind contrast between adjacent sectors. Took about two weeks! Honestly, I kinda hated the project, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

ALHAMDULILLAH!

2007-05-25T09:05:00.000-04:00

If you make dua to Allah, make it with conviction that it will be accepted! For surely, Allah hears and knows all things - and Allah is capable of anything.

I don't even have the words to explain this. I have been suffering in calc all year, like you don't even know, it was egh. The harder I tried, the worse I did. There came a point, when I was hoping not to end up with a D, b/c that would give me a C on my transcript, and I've never had that before alhamdulillah. Yesterday, I checked my grade, and it said 68.8%. I said, no way. It'll be hard enough to get that up from a D, much less from a C! But I made dua to Allah, I didn't think there was a way I could do, so I just sat down, and asked 'Please, just please let me have a B.' Maybe it was a selfish dua. But subhanAllah, this morning, in less than 10 hours, it was answered! I check my grade online and I have a SEVENTY NINE POINT SIX! That's a B!

AL HAMDU LILLAH!
Shukralillahi wal hamd!

Sleepy, Dopey, Dazey...

2007-05-11T18:36:00.000-04:00

Those were the dwarfs. I can be all 7 dwarfs at the same time.

In my quiet corner created by the intersection of the 300 and 500 reference shelves, I sat ingesting dates and major battles of the Middle Ages. My battered World History book lay propped on my lap, my bottle of Sprite neatly hidden between two bookends. A whisper enticed me, "Lay your head down just a moment...just a moment." Preposterous! Determined to get a chapter done before I left the library, I shoved the idea to the back of my head. As my flip flops dug uncomfortably into my calves, I decided to take them off and put them to the side. Little had I done that and announcement aired on the PA: "We will be closing in 30 minutes at 3 PM." Terrified that my coup d'etat for conquering the history material had been shattered, and, to understate it, very sleepy, I acquiesced to my whisper. Just five minutes...I'll wake up at 2.35 and then catch the bus, right? Of course. I wake up. It's dark. Quiet. 4 PM and the doors are closed! AHHH!

True story. I swear I'm such a ditz.

Precious Gem

2007-05-02T00:07:00.001-04:00

Each of your breaths is a priceless jewel, since each of them is irreplaceable and, once gone, can never be retrieved. Do not be like the deceived fools who are joyous because each day their wealth increases while their life shortens. What good is an increase in wealth when life grows ever shorter? Therefore be joyous only for an increase in knowledge or in good works, for they are your two companions who will accompany you in your grave when your family, wealth, children and friends stay behind. -Imam Ghazali

Its like

2007-04-28T20:21:00.000-04:00

Just as you're about to drown in the river's current, you turn into a fish.
Then just as you turn into a fish, the river drains itself dry.
That's what its like.

my mouth is dry

2007-04-18T20:12:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here staring at my keyboard, rubbing my index fingers against my temples. I realize there's a lot of scratches on my pine desk surface. A coffee mug sits on my hutch; I forgot to take it downstairs. I am almost inclined to tell you that I am a little troubled that I have so much homework to do right now, but that is not what occupies my mind tonight.

If I were to say what I thought, you'd tell me I was irrational for thinking that the world is sitting on its head - oblivious to what lies under its feet. You'd tell me I was impractical, for thinking that we're walking in the opposite direction, that our planet's name is Htrae and not Earth. If I mentioned the word 'death', you'd tell me I was overreacting to the shootings at Virginia Tech, that I was gonna get over it, that I need to move on - people die everyday, after all.

And that is why I say we are backwards. Because people die everyday, and we don't want to realize it in the right way. We acknowledge it, mourn - mourning is a good thing -, but then we 'move on.' We keep moving on in the direction we were travelling; that is to say, backwards.

But by saying 'you' I do not intend to offend or blame you, the reader; for you are simply one of us - one of the world of people who thinks this way, believer or not. It is hard to think something when it is not thought by others. But if throughout your pathway - your education, your career - you have paid attention to the road signs, you've seen it before: "Think for yourself." It's not a useless mantra; I wonder what the person who first came up with that was thinking when he or she said it.

It is now, in this very moment of this Wednesday afternoon, in which I may very well be intoxicated by the pollen in the air or thinking out of senselessness and sleeplessness, that I wish to actually think for myself, by pondering on the Truth. In a world of confusion, one must start with an absolute truth or they will go insane in scouring out the bad apples of certitude.

To this day in history, it is certain that we will all eventually die. If it wasn't obvious by just observing the circle of life, science now tells us that its a result of shortening telomeres and stuff. Whatever the case, this will serve as our Truth for now.

For me, another Truth is that after we die, we will stand witness to our deeds and our faith upon this earth. Further, that this life is as long as a "day or less than a day" when compared to the waiting in line on the Day of Judgment. I know that on that Day, it won't matter how many days I savored on this earth, or how many billions of dollars or tens of pennies I made, or even, how many orphans I fed. That day won't be about numbers; it will be about Al-Mizaan, the Scale of Allah SWT (God). And Allah's scale will be based on purity of intention. The reason these are truths for me is because Allah's existence is another Haqq (truth) to me, and this is what He has revealed to mankind. I'm not here to prove them right to you, but if you sincerely do want to know, then inshaAllah you will find out in some capacity.

After listing all these truths, I cannot neglect the truth of our current condition. Tell me the model of a life today; for surely it must be called a model, as it has been set in modern law. One grows to the sensible age of 5, attends school until high school, then either gets a job or goes to college - both of which will end up in a career and making money; perhaps one may chose to have a family afterwards. On a more microscopic scale, our days consist of waking up for school/work, going to school/work, doing homework/workwork, and going to bed. We careen from one action to the next, and we are often left with no time to do that thinking.

When I offer my thoughts on the massacre in VTech, people mumble a heartfelt "Yeah that was so sad" and then rebound with a "Wow I love your pink flip flops" and the rest of the conversation is squandered by mention of a foot vesicle that will not even last into the next year, much less the next life. I wonder why people are so afraid to talk about it; perhaps we are too afraid to think about it as well. We don't want to become over-pensive, and we don't want to give it less than its worth, so we refrain from considering it at all. It's better to hear it out and think for yourself, think with truth in mind. If God sends you a reminder, step into the telephone booth and have a listen wont you.

People will say, someone dies every hour in Iraq - American and Iraqi -, people die on the freeway everyday - MOVE ON. Can one truly move on when they know in certainty that their movement will come to a close?

My real question is, if we - those who claim to know God's Truth - know that one day we will die and everything we did on this earth will perish, why do WE insist on moving on, bouncing from one dunya deed to the next? So many incidents have occured this year where intelligent, upright, young people's lives were ended, abruptly. Yet we move on...and don't take a lesson. Do we all really have to become doctors and engineers? Does it truly matter if your son got a B or a C in precalc last year? Are you still crying about your ruined 4.0 GPA? Or your winning streak in baseball?

Of course you are, of course WE are. Why? Because that, in itself, is our life. We HAVE to worry about these things. If I were a wee bit older, I would tell myself that its all a "fact of life." Indeed it is a fact of life, but not a fact of fact.

How can you not worry about your math test if you are taking a math class that is meant to be done well? We have to somehow stop fooling ourselves, and actually WALK in the direction we preach. More of us need to traverse the less dunya-oriented pathway. Yes, dunya is a part of well...our dunya, but it should be detached.

I cannot help but think that, just as that boy on CNN said, if something like that happened to me, I too would wonder what my mom would feel when she heard the news. That is commendable, but I still wonder if I would consider Allah SWT as my heart beats my blood in one last lap around the circulatory track.

It's hard to remember Allah in the moments when you are worrying about barricading the door; to say, I'll remember Him in my deathbed, to make that dua by itself, is what I mean by backwards. We have to remember Him in each moment of our existence, only then will such a thing be possible. When we get an A, we must remember Allah. When we get ice cream, we must remember Allah. Not only because He is the Praiseworthy and Glorified, but also because any of those moments are eligible to be our last. We can't believe in God just when people die, and if we must, then know that almost every minute, someone dies and returns to Allah.

From Monday when I heard about this, through Tuesday - I tried to shut it out of my brain. The very same thoughts came to me, "Why become emotional when it is a fact of life?" But today when I was looking at the news - though I know the news is made for sensation - and saw the pictures of those who died, it really hit home. These were real people, not facts, not figures. These people had lives just like you and me. And now, their lives are over. If this is the magnitude of sadness we can feel once we put face to name for 33 students (I do not intend to belittle the number, and I know that one death is just as greivous as 100), if this is how close we can become, then imagine what will happen once we realize the suffering that surrounds us, in other more distant parts of the world. InshaAllah Allah will reward those of them who were true to the Truth that they knew; may Allah have mercy upon the righteous. It was at this time that I chose to accept that these people had died, and to extract from it a lesson - I, too, will die.

I wasn't able to convey the absurdness I feel when I look at people racing after this world, stopping every now and then to look at people die, without really understanding that they too will one moment be gone. But tonight my mouth is dry, and I am too concerned to get a drink.

Biryani Puree

2007-04-09T15:39:00.000-04:00

There’s been a lot of random thoughts pulsating in my brain for a while, I keep meaning to write them down but I always have some worldly thing to do that distracts me. This very time struggle – not being able to allocate an hour to compose a piece of writing that could pique peoples’ interests in introspection – is what is pushing me off the med school side and into something else. I wasn’t sure if I should make one big fat post with everything in it, or a bunch of separate article-esque posts. I’ll probably do the latter, but these are the things I want to discuss-

-Love for Allah SWT
-MIST
-Career
-Competition
-Inspiration
-Nature of time
-Shopping
-Cousins
-Memorizing Quran
-Life as a MuslimAH

I know, so many random things, it doesn’t make any sense- kind of reminds me of the biryani puree my baby cousins ate this weekend. Alas, I am running out of time. I have to read this nauseatingly boring novel called The Plague and write an essay, and do a calculus practice exam. SO…impoverished in the spiritual account, and clinging onto an exegesis that I cannot impart, I will be off now. Wassalam (again).

Lone Candle

2007-04-04T15:35:00.000-04:00

Lone Candle

I am not a lone star,
Not a sparkling beauty seen from afar.
I'm alone in the midst of many,
Not seen at all, not seen by any.

I know that one day, though
I'll flicker a moment, then out I will go.
The flame of a lonely candle burning,
While the world around it keeps on turning.

But when I'm blown out, then I will know
Who it is that sees me when I do not glow.
Then, and only then, will it be clear
Why, upon Earth, I kept illuminating here--
Out of Whose Love, and out of Whose Fear.

It is not necessary to be seen,
What's imperative is only to have been.
Because, even if while alive you are known,
After some time, your memory too, will be blown.

Random

2007-03-13T22:50:00.000-04:00

My heart palpitates
Thinking that You're there.
But when I don't remember,
Can't take a breath of air.

Not because I'm infatuated or in love-
But because I am nothing
Without the One above.

Fluff

2007-02-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

This is probably one of the most useless posts you will ever read that's by me (with exception to the one back last summer about the Word Paper Clip dude), so my apologies in advance. It will also be one of the most personal - so stalkers, dig in. There's like 10.056 x 10^60 (I got that number on my calc test today - weird) things zooming through my brain right now, and I need to write now. Nooo punny puns intended.

I'm coming out of the closet - I am a neat freak. OCD type. If my room is slightly messy, I will freak and I can't work. Messy room --> Negative productivity. The day began pretty well, with a full 6 hours of sleep (subhanAllah), a prayer, and school. Then I did some calculus, which was refreshing and relaxing. After I came home, however, I made this huge mistake - that was to chill. Chilling is bad. Time is precious. I should not chill. I'm just not a chill kind of person. If I chill, I need to schedule my chills by the minute. Y'know what I'm sayin?

It's probably unwise and boring for me to spew out my to do list on here, but to make it simple, I have a bunch of applications due within the next week, which means I have blank envelopes to stamp, address, and deliver to my personal references. Then there was debate - which finished yesterday alhamdulillah! - and now there's this science bowl thingy that will take time to study for. Add a project on Islam for English that I really wanna make amazing, as well as a history test for tomorrow = ay caramba. And to make it all worse, of course, my room is a reendition of Hurricane Katreenah. Actually, I didn't make half the mess. My baby brother of age 2 has evidently been here while I was at school.

So now I'm feeling kind of crummy, and the most ironic part about it is that I JUST wrote this fat post on happiness. Watch -

I could write a book on this stuff - there's so much to say. Short advice, try to deal with it yourself before gushing out on someone else. Granted, ranting to a good friend helps a lot, but if they aren't a good friend, you might start to hate yourself, and ranting could become a bad habit, it could make you feel worse, and it doesn't help unless the friend gives you advice to fix it (only personal experience speaking here). So try to personally pinpoint why you're feeling bad, b/c only you (other than Allah) knows you best. Is it something that happened that day? Something that's been building up? You feel like you've forgotten something? Is it life in a more general sense? There has to be a reason. Low endorphin count just isn't one of them. So once you figure out what's the matter, you go about trying to solve that problem. If you think sleeping and wasting time was a bad idea and a bad solution, don't brood over the fact that you wasted time - get up and finish the work that must be done! If it's something more, then confront it. For instance, once I was feeling really bad b/c I felt like I made someone feel bad. Sooo I just went up to them and said sorry. It was great. If you think you've wronged someone or yourself or maybe your deen, then ask Allah for forgiveness - Allah's forgiveness is open to us as long as we are alive and breathing, don't ever think it is too late. If things just aren't going your way, if you feel like life is failing you - then look the other way. See the bright side of life. Know that no calamity or occurence appears without reason. Know that Allah is behind each and every thing that happens in this universe. And so, know that whatever happened, was Allah's will - and His purpose was to test you. There's an ayah, it goes 'Did you think you would enter the gardens of delight without being tested as those before you were tested?' And another one, 'Verily with hardship comes ease.' And 'Lose not hope, nor fall into despair, for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith. If a wound hath touched you, be sure a similar wound hath touched the others. Such days of varying fortunes do we give to men so that we may raise from them martyr-witnesses to the truth.' Take solace in the Truth Allah has given you, as a blessed Servant of Him.

The one thing in the world that makes me, personally, feel terrible, is if I almost missed/missed a prayer/neglected memorizing Quran. I am glad I feel bad though, because if I didn't, I would have no compass to guide me. So if its something like that, smile to Allah and tell Him how grateful you are for His reminder to you!

'Remember Me and I will remember you! And be grateful to Me and do not reject faith.' -Al-Baqarah

After you have figured out spiritually what the problem is, and have asked for maghfirah or for whatever it is that you are lacking, take some practical, concrete steps too. Make wudu or ghusl. It always helps. Clean your room. Read two nafilah. Get out your musHaf, flip open to a random page - for some reason I always find that whatever I happen to read fits perfectly with my problems of the day. Make dua from the depths of your heart.

Once you've thought about, read and understood the words of Allah, then either listen to their melody or recite them yourself. I like reciting them by myself, but do whatever works for you. Things to listen to:

The Adhan - When you listen to this, close your monitor, and listen to it as if it were a call to prayer - a call to Allah. Gulp in every word. Allah is Great Allah is Great. I bear witness that there is no God but Allah, that Muhammad is His messenger. Repeat every word, while understanding it. When you come to the part where you say la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah, think about what that means. There is no might nor power save in Allah. SubhanAllah! Is whatever it is that is making you feel crummy more powerful than Allah? No! In fact, it is not even LESS powerful, it is POWERLESS, because there is NO power except in Allah! At the close of the adhan, do as the Prophet SAWS prescribed and say the following -

Radheetu billahi rabban, wa bil islaami deenan, wa bi muhammadin sallallahu alaihi wa sallama nabeeyyan wa rasula.

I am HAPPY with ALLAH as my Lord! And with Islam as my way of life! And with Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, as my Prophet and my Messenger!

That's all you need in order to be happy. And what else could we possibly ask for? We are amongst the most blessed people in history! The most blessed creation upon this earth. How does that make you feel? Not only feel, but to know a thing of such marvelosity (I know that's not a real word)?

Those are my personal favorites, but if you have something you like to listen to, listen to it! But not for too long. Oh and just a word of advice, nasheeds...well nasheeds are good, but I dunno, I think they're kinda not right for a time when you need the perfect words of Allah.

Remind yourself of the Purpose. Why are we all sitting here upon this earth in suffering? It's in Al Baqarah ayah 30 and onward. It's because we fell from happiness, aka al-firdaws. And as long as we are here on this earth, we WILL for sure face adversity. But just as that is sure, so is ease - because it is Allah's promise that with hardship comes ease, and Allah never breaks His promise. Remember how Allah swt promised Adam and Hawwa AS guidance as long as we were here? And protection from Shaytan who promised to screw us over? Well we have to keep our guard on. We have to know that unhappiness is from Shaytan, unless it is from Allah as a reminder that we are doing something wrong. Shaytan is our WORST enemy, so let us treat him so! Don't let him take away your happiness, b/c that is what he has always been after - since the garden, since the very beginning.

To sum up: Make dua, immerse yourself in Allah, and seek refuge in Him.

Am I hypocrite or something? My own advice that I came out with ten minutes ago isn't working on me. I swear I can be such a quandary sometimes. Oh god I can't turn around and bear to see my room *hides head in shame*

Well I must be going, there are papers to file, envelopes to stamp, books to study, and a room to clean.

Remember me in your duas.

Was-salaamu 'alaikum

Enlightenment

2007-02-20T21:35:00.000-04:00

A darkened room is not filled with dark but rather void of light. In the presence of light, a darkened room becomes lit up and from that point forward it is known that that room is capable of being a lit room. The child in the mother’s womb knows nothing of a dimension in which hearing and taste and sight can occur. Once he exits that restricted universe, he learns knew senses and cancels out his older preclusive knowledge, replacing it in accordance to the updates. After a few years, he then learns to use teeth to crush food – a phenomenon that, had you asked him in the womb, he would have said was impossible according to his experience-based knowledge. Subsequent stages of knowledge later, we arrive at the stage of intelligence – in which one is able to make intelligent decisions and distinctions, weighing out pros and cons. It is this intelligence that is considered highest among humans, and – at least to the living – it is the highest state of knowledge. But how can we be so sure that there is no other stage? What if we are simply in the ignorance of another higher stage of knowledge, just like that fetus in a mother’s womb? Take the similitude of a computer operating system. Word 2000 documents can be read by Word 2001, a newer model, but if you were to ask Word 2000 to read a 2001 document, it would probably display some gibberish-esque mess like: [boxes and boxes and more boxes]⁭⁭⁭⁭⁭⁭⁭⁭⁭. Enlightenment, thus, is a realization of a stage higher than the one you are currently in, through inner contemplation and understanding of a higher being.

Greetings

2007-02-19T23:16:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking about Hallmark cards. I'm talking about a greeting, the kind you utter to someone you bump into in the hallway, or someone who's house you have just entered, or someone with whom you are about to engage in a deep conversation. I just realized how important it is. Say your blood enemy came up to you and said HOWDY MATE and tipped his hat to you. Obviously you wouldn't think he was your enemy. But if the first thing you see of a person is their hand as its clasping your neck in an attempt to choke you to death, obviously the guy isn't your best mate. The difference between a greeting-less conversation and one with a greeting, is that the former is uncivilized and inhuman, and the second is compassionate and wonderful.

The Prophet SAWS even advised us to not enter our houses without saying the salaam - the best and noblest of all greetings. Even if there is no one there except for the angels, we say salaam. We say salaam to our closest of friends, to whom we might have thought no greeting was necessary. We say salaam at the end of our prayer. It's all over the place! And it's beautiful!

I mean, you don't exactly expect an Eid card from your ex-boss who fired you while spraying you with silly string, right? A greeting card is, simply put, a nice thing to do. And a greeting, in itself, is an essential thing to do.

Had I started every conversation with the proper frame of mind, everything would have fallen into place. So next time you wanna yell at your best pal and rant, or wanna call up your mom who lives in Illinois, or your sister in Belgium, or your friend from mol bio, REMEMBER THE GREETING.

As-salaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. May Peace, the Mercy of Allah, and His Blessings be upon you.

Black

2007-02-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

As you can see, my blog recently underwent a massive color swap, and my odd friends from the OC (as in the place, not the TV show) don't approve. So, here's some black just for them...

Patience, Remembrance, Togetherness and Our Return

2007-02-15T11:21:00.000-04:00

As-salaamu 'alaikum,

I was feeling pretty terrible one night, and I asked my sister in faith to send me her favorite recitations of the Qur'an. She sent me four, and I wanted to share one of them with you.

I don't know who recites this, it's ayaat 148-157 of Surat al-Baqarah. The translation of the meaning is as follows:

002.148
YUSUFALI: To each is a goal to which Allah turns him; then strive together (as in a race) Towards all that is good. Wheresoever ye are, Allah will bring you Together. For Allah Hath power over all things.

002.149
YUSUFALI: From whencesoever Thou startest forth, turn Thy face in the direction of the sacred Mosque; that is indeed the truth from the Lord. And Allah is not unmindful of what ye do.

002.150
YUSUFALI: So from whencesoever Thou startest forth, turn Thy face in the direction of the sacred Mosque; and wheresoever ye are, Turn your face thither: that there be no ground of dispute against you among the people, except those of them that are bent on wickedness; so fear them not, but fear Me; and that I may complete My favours on you, and ye May (consent to) be guided;

002.151
YUSUFALI: A similar (favour have ye already received) in that We have sent among you a Messenger of your own, rehearsing to you Our Signs, and sanctifying you, and instructing you in Scripture and Wisdom, and in new knowledge.

002.152
YUSUFALI: Then do ye remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and reject not Faith.

002.153
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere.

002.154
YUSUFALI: And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah: "They are dead." Nay, they are living, though ye perceive (it) not.

002.155
YUSUFALI: Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,

002.156
YUSUFALI: Who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return":-

002.157
YUSUFALI: They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.

Follow the Path and Remember

2007-02-13T23:58:00.000-04:00

Walking through the hallways of my ultra-congested high school is no easy feat. In fact, it should not be called walking, but rather trudging/ pushing/ shoving/ ramming- into- peoples’- backpacks/ all of the above; simply walking would never suffice. If you’ve ever been to al-Haram when it’s packed (e.g. Hajj season), then you know what I’m talking about. And if you’re trying to follow a particular path or pattern in your stride – for instance, say you wanna step on only every other floor tile, or if you’re trying to stay together with a friend with whom you are mid-conversation – then the task is doubly hard. Often times you will fall off course, and in accordance to the property of entropy (the universe is always headed towards increasing randomness unless energy is input), you’ve got to exert a conscious effort in order to get back on track. And as the good old laws of thermodynamics say as well, if you don’t exert an effort, you’re gonna keep falling…

...and falling...

...and falling...

...right off course, until you are utterly and completely lost such that your history lecture hall has suddenly morphed into a 24/7 organic chemistry laboratory.

Applied to deen, namely way of life (in our case, al-Islam, walhamdulillah), the spontaneous path - the one that requires no energy - is the one inspired by a really cunning personality. His name was Iblis, he got married to Kufr, and now we call him Mr. Shaytan (you don't have to be polite, just 'Shaytan' is good too). In fact, if life were a pathway to a single destination, Shaytan is sitting in front of you, behind you, to your right, to your left...he's blipping all over the place. If there were hallway-Shayateen, I'd LC every single class. And that was his promise too-

007.016 He [Shaytan] said: "Because thou hast thrown me out of the way, lo! I will lie in wait for them on thy straight way:
007.017 "Then will I assault them from before them and behind them, from their right and their left: Nor wilt thou find, in most of them, gratitude (for thy mercies)."
007.018 (Allah) said: "Get out from this, disgraced and expelled. If any of them follow thee,- Hell will I fill with you all.

Shaytan is our worst enemy. And the best part about the whole deal is that Allah SWT completely foiled Shaytan's "brilliant" plan by letting us Muslims in on the secret: Allah SWT clearly states in His revelation to us (al-Quran al-Kareem) that Shaytan is to us an avowed enemy. Now if we know who our enemy is, and how he works, why do we let him play with us anyways? Foolishness I tell you.

Fact is, Shaytan isn't all that dumb either. He whispers within each and every one of our hearts. He lies in ambush, waiting for the perfect moment to attack and then BHAM his plot works and you give in, not necessarily knowing that you've just surrendered. If you're more weary of Shaytan (if your Iman is stronger), then Shaytan will try to be even more cunning. If I was a hallway-walker who wanted to step on only the white tiles, Shaytan is a guy with a big bucket of black paint, splashing it all over the place. It is an endless struggle, the one between mankind and Shaytan. And for this reason, we are always falling...and falling...and falling...but unless we have some way to get back, we will fall into the worst depth, naudhubillah.

To prevent this, Allah SWT created more Bani Adam for the rest of us. Now if one guy is being stalked by Shaytan, the other guy can say 'Psst, I think Shaytan is influencing you now.' It sounds cheesy, but it's absolutely true - the real friend is the one who will guard you against your worst enemy. And to them, you will do the same.

In our deen, we are always falling. But with taqwa and consciousness, we realize that we are doing so, and make an attempt to string ourselves back together on the right path. Without help though, sometimes, it becomes exceedingly difficult. And with negative influences, it becomes even harder. We spend so long in recovery from a deeny 'fall,' time spent in contemplation of Allah SWT, placing our Trust in Him SWT, etc - and then BHAM Shaytan shows us a picture of our Ummah - dismantled, warped, fitnah fitnah fitnah haraam haraam makrouh, and before you know it you're like WHOA. And then you stop, and you say, no Shaytan. You can't do that.

But who reminds you? Friends, o'course, are great for reminding. But what happens when all your friends are doing the same bad thing? Then what? It's all about remembering.

002.152 Then do ye remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and reject not Faith.

If you remember Allah SWT, He SWT will help you in your struggle inshaAllah. That is the ultimate, most effective, and most precious remembrance. And it is surely in His SWT remembrance that hearts achieve satisfaction.

May Allah allow us to remember Him in every moment of our existence. Allahumma ameen.

Flowers

2007-02-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

Be like the flower that gives its fragrance to even the hand that crushes it.
~Imam Ali (RA)

Photo taken by my good pal, Sarah

That piece of wisdom has been getting me through recent times, alhamdulillah. Thought I would share.

Was-salaamu 'alaikum

MSA Woes

2007-02-11T18:56:00.001-04:00

Warning: I am about to rant, so you better watch out.

Ok, you don’t really have to watch out. But I felt like fusing all my negative energy towards something like a blog post, which could potentially – in the process of relieving me of some distress – increase my writing skills and make this blog a little more alive than a 1-post-every-month blog. If you know what I mean.

Anyway, talk of the day. MSA. ‘Mazingly Scattered Association.

It’s so disturbing. Our MSA had a whole lot of momentum from the first day of fall semester. We were going from meeting to meeting, halaqah to halaqah, dinner to dinner, just happy and pumped. We even organized this thing called the Pillar talk in which we invited non-Muslims and Muslims alike and basically just talked about Islam. It was supposed to be a lecture series, and yes I spent a lot of time making the promo movie, which never got aired to my terrible disappointment. But personal agonies aside, I am still worried for my MSA – what will happen when the three leadership reps (or whatever our titles are) graduate or have to take an internship or something. It’s like you’re standing on a beach and there’s a gigantic tidal wave about to hit everyone on the beach, but there’s only three people who are holding back the wave with their own bare hands (and just to add to the analogy, they’re also studying calculus and molecular biology at the same time). I honestly don’t mind, and I would put my entire heart and soul towards MSA, and even come back year after year, even as an alumna. Just the fact remains that the MSA is an association. Theoretically we’re meant to be a group of Muslims, who believe in Allah and want to work in His cause, collaborating to better not only our lives, but the lives of folks around us – to propagate the truth, to spread the Kalaam. To increase in Iman. All that sorta thing. If I do it, my Iman increases, my scale increases, no one else’s does. I just need people to pitch in and help out. What leader leads a clan while the clan is non-existent? Alright so that sentence didn’t really make sense, but you get the general idea.

The reason I am concerned is because I can already see it happening. Finals season rolled around about a month after Ramadan, and I was just a busy bee. I did do my MSA stuff, but then after finals were over, we all came back completely drained and no one wants to do anything anymore and it’s like ahhh.

I don’t think its my fault or anyone else’s fault. To me the problem lies in Islam not being peoples’ first priorities all the time (myself especially). I’m not going to equate the MSA to Islam, because [1] I know the MSA ain’t perfect, and [2] as a freshman, myself, I was completely uninterested in the MSA, yet still managed to keep my Islam well and alive (more alive than it is now). We’re more compelled to hang with our friends, or go to badminton club, or something…and if we do come to the MSA, we hang there. No business gets done. The environment de-halalizes itself. And it just becomes frustrating to me because I feel like I’m the one fostering this sort of phenomenon.

I pray that Allah gives me strength to spread whatever knowledge of His Haqq He has given me to others, and that my own knowledge of His Haqq is increased by those around me who can help in that pursuit.

Allahumma ameen.

Chicken Nugget Love

2007-02-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

My house welcomed me with the crisp aroma of things frying and babies crying that evening. Having just endured another long day, I decided to chill for a little bit and eat a snack. My mum was frying chicken nuggets (halal ones!), and there were 11, an odd number, in the frying pan. Possessing a younger brother of immature nature, odd numbers always broach odd disputes. "Mommy! Mommy! I want nuggets too!" Innocently, I stood by the stove, calmly flipping my nuggets, when a massive monster of a child ran up and grabbed the spatula from my hands. "Those are MINE!" he said. Try as he did to beat me to the chicken, alas he could not: the meat was still raw. So he settled with pushing me to the side and taking command of the spatula. The appropriations, he announced, would go as follows: 5 nuggets to me, 5 nuggets to you, and 1 for the baby bro. I noticed intriguingly, however, that although only 5 were his, he still had to thoroughly cook and flip all 11, for fear of eating something raw himself. Lo, true brotherhood prevails again!

Crying without Tears in Your Eyes

2007-01-17T23:43:00.000-04:00

by Maryam

caught in a web
woven by my past
a web of unending nightmares
each one worst than the last

i shut my eyes
trying not to see
what existed once
now it can no longer be

but the past lives on
memories don't die
they say `the worst is over`
my heart screams out `that's a lie!`

they say time heals your wounds
time does go by
but some wounds never dry
and life goes on

though a part of you dies
time cant make the pain go away
you just learn to cry
without tears in your eyes

Multiplicity. No, I'm not talking about math.

2006-11-29T19:33:00.000-04:00

Multiplicity is a condition that has ransacked the personalities of many folks. Some call it two-faced-ness, some call it hypocrisy, and I call it an amazingly unfortunate loss.

Often times I will look at our elders, the people who raised us--our parents, our teachers--and simply wonder, will we ever accomplish what they have accomplished? The past decade has been a biological boom; never before were more vaccines and cures developed for a more expansive array of ailments. Yet, the people of our generation that claim to follow the scientists of the nineties' footsteps appear to lack a lot of the qualities that comprise the very monumental accomplishments of the greats. Being an attendant of one of the most scientifically-oriented (or so our AP scores indicate) schools in the area, I know that a great number of us wish to be interns at NIH, NFCR, NIST, CARB, HHMI, and many other institutions. On the surface, it looks phenomenal: hopefully these ambitious students will carry on and establish even greater legacies for their progeny. But behind the scenes, I cannot count to you how many times I hear of the need for "an extra internship to put on a résumé" or a "better portrait to send to colleges."

A cancer researcher, Dr. Zhao, from the National Foundation for Cancer Research visited my school today, and she spoke about the dangers of cancer, the impact it has upon our nation, and the research that she and her colleagues are doing towards cancer cure and prevention. At one point she noted to us that the actual average human life span should be 120 years, but today it is 80 years due to the rampancy of disease. It struck me that so many of our elders are dedicating and often thereby risking their entire lives, such as Dr. Zhao, just to find a remedy to possibly allow the rest of us an extra 40 years upon this earth. Though I do not know what an extra 40 years of multiplicity and superficiality will benefit to mankind, I do know that such dedication requires much effort, passion, & belief. More importantly, such accomplishments and endeavors can never be cultivated in soils of superficiality. I simply can't imagine the girl or boy who now claims to want to save the world, but really just wants admission to an Ivy at any cost, sitting in a laboratory for their entire life, just so someone else can extend theirs.

A colleague of mine sent me his college essays to edit one afternoon. In them he denounced the superficiality of those who join clubs and run for leadership positions but rarely ever actually contribute. The very next day he asked for the questions to an exam that he had missed, to which request, I simply refused. So much for honesty, integrity, and upholding the truth, hey.

Why are we a generation of looks and appearances? Yes, obsession with fashion has always been--to some extents--a part of human culture, but never before has it impeded the honesty of people. We are more concerned with the name of the tertiary school we will attend, than with the contributions we will repay to the world that raised us post-graduation. We are more concerned with studying for the SATs and leaping for that perfect 2400, than with actually collecting data for the experiment at hand. Shock, horror: experiments are given to be carried out, not to be fudged. We are more concerned with writing a gorgeous and heartfelt-sounding college essay than with studying for the tests we are given. Why did I mention fashion? Because, as the 19th century was concerned with its corsets, and as the 90s were infatuated with technology, the present generation is immersed into college fashion. 1600s are out, 2400s are in. Pursuing one's passions is out, HYP is in.

The hippies of the 60s were far from concerned with fashion, sometimes to an extreme extent resulting in the lack of hygiene and use of Petulli oils. The hippies were students, they were our parents, and they caused the end of a war. Will our generation ever be able to unite in that glorious fashion, to exert our energy towards a common, honorable cause? Perhaps I'm completely wrong and things magically change after high school, but I see few indicators, mate.

Michelangelo is considered one of the greatest artists of all time. He dared to pursue art--his true passion--in a society where the remnants of European feudalism dictated that artisans and merchants occupied the lowest rung of society. How did he have the courage to stand up for his passion despite the incredulous glowers and snickers he received? What about Martin Luther, who thought he was standing up for the truth, against all odds? What of Gandhi, what of Muhammad, what of Moses, what of Jesus? It seems that as time passes, the number of truly inspired and courageous people--people willing to stand up for honesty, integrity, justice, and good causes against the current--is dwindling drastically. For my generation, it is too 'cheesy' to say the truth.

We all say to ourselves and to each other that "the college application process sucks," "the SATs suck," "the ETS sucks," "Ivy League schools suck," but is any one of us valiant enough to develop that thought just a tiny bit further and actually do something about it?

But I cannot say that it is simply our fault. The love of wealth has always existed, and today, wealth translates into a well-painted education. Admittedly, to some extent, our previous generation is to blame for the nature of our system. And often, they pressure us to get into that ideal college. But no one is perfect. The least we can do for all the other good they have given us is to fix their mistake and set things straight for the newcomers. Let your parents know that the leading scientists in cancer research are people like Dr. Danny Welsch, who is from University of Alabama. That Michelangelo was poor for the majority of his early career. That the bravest people in human history have been those most criticized during their lifetime.

In the end, we may gain a few dollars by practicing multiplicity. But no structure has ever stood long with a faulty foundation. Sooner or later, the weak will be weeded out, and the truly passionate will be the ones to help. This is why I say that duplicity is a terrible loss for us, for our community, and the world at large. As two-faced people, we lack the real talent, the real passion and dedication that the world needs to solve its problems. In the end, no one cares where you got your degree. It is the person who goes out and actually does something who is beneficial. Be that person.

I once told a friend of mine, that honesty is what holds humanity together. As we lose it, we push ourselves into destruction and division. You don't have to look further than your local television set, or your Internet browser, to know that the world is in a state of turmoil. What are we doing to help out? Are we worthy of the honor attached to our names? As America? As the Future?

Before we step up to aid and better the world we live in, let us first renew our intentions. Away with multiplicity and multiple causes; for the sake of a better world and a better generation: rise up, follow your passions, and be brave.

Footsteps of Destiny

2006-11-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

I once walked this very path,
Many moons ago, I believe
Except when I was here last
There were flowers, not dead leaves.

Yes this very same dusty road
I have past come across
And the two feet that once trod here
Are now a memory, a loss

I remember when the road will fork
I remember every twist, bend and turn
But I am not he who traveled this path before
Before I take a step, presently, I must learn

I consult a map tacked onto a board
Wondering where the next terrace lies
And as I take my steps again,
I do not know what the terrace hides.

So carelessly I enter there
No caution and no regret.
Tree’s shadow falls upon my feet
And I just wonder, how could I forget?

I find an old worn shoe,
Stuck between the sand
I see a trail of footsteps
Leading to grassy land

Size nine, wide, the same sneaker prints I see
My god these are my footprints
Footsteps from long ago
Footsteps of destiny

I follow them with curiosity
Not knowing where I’ll end
And ask the footsteps take me on a tour
I find my past to be my friend

Past roses, pansies, a daffodil
We trek and journey on
Until at one final point,
My old footsteps are gone

I look up from the ground-
The path I have been tracing.
Astonished, my heart beats faster
What I see is amazing

A sunny light, a peaceful breeze
A calm with no word to go with it
And as I reach into the scene with my hand
A clear glass pane it hits

I couldn’t do anything, but gaze in awe
This is where my footsteps went?
But this isn’t me, this isn’t where I am
Which misconveyed footstep should I resend?

So I turn my head in sorrow
Away from the beautiful scene
A lost reality, a lost future
I can only try to reach, fail, and scream

So instead I journey back,
Back to the hidden terrace
I now wonder if my feet are too big
To form those footsteps once again…

Allahu Wahdah.

2006-10-20T09:51:00.000-04:00

Poem Excavation Dated 8th Grade

In the eye of a hurricane,
Peace exists.
In the stomach of a whale,
Hope subsists.
In the bank of a river
Pathways resist.

But only with the help of Allah,
Can air fill your lung.
Only with the help of Allah
Can you speak with your tongue.

There is not a single person
Without a name;
Be you a man, woman, child,
Or a dame.
You desire to be called,
Your existence acknowledged.

So what about Allah
Who brought you all this bounty?
All this glory…
All this Help…

Doesn’t He deserve a name?
From Whom you’ve come?
Your Lord Almighty.
Allah, the One.

Tantalizing thought

2006-09-04T13:27:00.000-04:00

Tantalizing thought
Life dangles in front of me on a string
Tied to a pole from the ceiling
A life, not my life- what I could have been.
Ephemeral nature of things;
Flying past- growing wings.
You think its over, it's really not
Just begun: this win I've bought.
But tomorrow, tomorrow I yoke another field
And plow, plow, plow- thither I yield...
There are pastures and mountains,
Sheep herds to flock.
Who should I praise,
And who should I mock?
Life dangling, like a lambchop
At the meatshop-
'Cept my life ain't sliced, marinated
It's a chunk, the fat oozin' out.

Major major cram time

2006-08-10T16:57:00.000-04:00

As-salaamu 'alaikum ya blog, wa bloggers, wa bani blogspot,

This is a dire final attempt to call unto myself to stop procrastinating and get something done. For those of you who have shown support for this blog, stop bloody showing support and go to http://neurotical.blogspot.com instead

Cambridge in Colours

2006-08-08T12:15:00.000-04:00

Gorgeous. Click here to see the Cambridge Gallery by Sean McHugh.

Crammin' like a Salmon

2006-08-05T03:44:00.000-04:00

(yes the title is supposed to rhyme if you pronounce “salmon” the right way)

Worst week of my life. Well, academically.

So it’s a week before my first exam (midterm exam + 50% of my grade = freaking out) in Neurobiology at a certain university. There’s about 300 pages I need to read and memorize, 20 hours of lectures I need to view, loads of practice problems I need to do, and just a whole camel-load of studying left over. Why? Because I am a procrastinator, and that’s just the way I am. It's (edit: see comment area) NOT in the genes, it's in my neurons.

I am such a procrastinator, that even though I took a “study vacation” from the class I teach starting two days before the exam, I didn’t study a wink until exactly 12 hours before the minute I was scheduled to enter my exam hall. Yep, I do everything with excellence, and I excel at procrastination.

I can’t remember all the feelings and stuff I was supposed to mention to you all (I had planned to write a blog entry about it the moment I finished the exam), but it was in one word: horrible. Let’s just say I had been awake for 120 hours prior to my exam, I sat it with zero sleep, and I hadn’t eaten (didn’t have the luxury of sparing a minute to stuff food down my throat) anything substantial for days.

Exam is Thursday morning, 11 am, July 20. For some reason, I have a disease and it only permits me to study during the night. During the daytime I just chill—it’s not a beneficial disease by the way. So its 6 pm Wednesday night, and Pin in Mouth is officially freaking out. I decide at this critical (and somewhat late) moment that it is finally time to sign off of MSN and end all conversations, to actually open my book for the first time since its purchase, and start reading something.

Let me remind you, I haven’t slept for 120 hours.

With the help of hourly signing onto MSN so that my friends will Nudge me into awakeness, and some other clever devices, I am up all night (this is my general all-nighter technique). But I feel SICK, headache, as if I’m about to faint. If you were one of unlucky 10 people online at this time, you know how much I ranted and whined at you. I seek your forgiveness—pardon my eccentricity. But I was out. Completely torn. And in the middle of the night, not exactly the best time, I got all these chilling flashbacks of a certain cold, lonely evening on which I received the news of a certain loved-one’s death, and it was just very very very very scary. I think I made wudhu twenty times during that one night. Subhanallah, I somehow managed to pray tahajjud. That’s how jumbled I was. Almost as jumbled as this paragraph.

Other symptoms of my physical distress are best not explained herein. Lets just say it was a hangover-like ordeal.

Anyway, so through this, the one thought that keeps running though my head is to “give up, forget it, just somehow BS the test, and get a grade, or just flunk it, because I might as well give up, since I’m gonna get an F anyways.”

I’m not exactly an optimist (never to my advantage).

But although that one pathetic thought kept running through my head, by the Grace of Allah the Almighty, I didn’t actually give up. Allah has blessed me with the coolest and awesomest of friends who reminded me to approach everything with calmness, to take failure in dunya lightly, and to just put my trust in Allah. Alhamdulillah for those people—you know who you are. Special heartfelt thanks to my dear Californian sister; your words truly kept me alive subhanallah.

My Californian sister who I mentioned a sentence ago had to leave MSN at 1 am my time. It was after this time that I started getting those ridiculous flashbacks of that death.

Anyway, I still knew I had to carry on, and just trudge through my book. A Desi is a Desi is a Desi. And no Desi is gonna take an F, D, or C, (maybe a B) no matter how much they vomit through the night. Around 2 am I still have 100 pages left to read and cram into my brain’s foldings (gyri and sulci for you bio nerds), and like 3 hours of lecture to listen to. 3 hours plus 2 am = I’ll be halfway done by fajr. It’s not looking good. Signs of immense sleepiness are attempting to overcome me, but I push them to the side and stomp them with my feet, BECAUSE I MUST CARRY ON.

I go make myself some coffee around 3 am cos my eyes are just relentlessly selfish and insist on sleeping. I don’t know how I managed to remember to turn the coffee maker off, but alhamdulillah I did. Who knows where I would be right now if I didn’t.

All praise is to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. If He hadn’t inspired my father to buy apples from Safeway that week, and hadn’t inspired my brother to put them in the refrigerator (I don’t eat non-refrigerated apples), and hadn’t inspired me to pull open the fridge door, I would not have gotten the glucose spike I needed. I always tell people that apples provide much more energy and are much more effective in keeping you awake than coffee is, but I didn’t remember that this particular night. I ate them simply because I was hungry and there was nothing else quick and easy to eat. Later I realized Allah blessed me with them, and they gave me the energy to stay awake. Can I get a subhanAllah?

After I pray fajr (I almost fall asleep in sujoud), I get up and start listening to my very last lecture. With all due respect and no intention to offend, my professor has a really monotonous voice. He sounded like this: Th nrnl mmbrn hs in gtd chnnls (the neuronal membrane has ion gated channels). I guess the only way I can portray it in writing is to get rid of his vowels (Vowels are the spice of life! –Sheikh Speare). So due to his beautiful monotony, my head starts lolling to my left shoulder. Might I mention that this week happened to be that week in the East Coast when it was hot as an oven and people were swimming in their perspiration? Oh might I also mention that we are Desi, and that means my dad is Desi, and that means my A/C remains “OFF”? Yeah. Therefore a little oscillating fan has been pilfered by me from the living room, placed on a stolen cement pillar, and stuck right in my face so I don’t get a heat stroke whilst cramming.

That’s what my head lolls onto.

Ouch.

So in a simple sentence, darling fan(s) of mine never let me doze off to sleep. “Wakey wakey! *yanks a hair out of Pin in Mouth’s head*” Alhamdulillah.

We drive (hour long journey) to my testing center (which is by the way located on practically a farm) while I cram in a bit more. I read my last 60 pages AT the testing center (before my exam; I told them I needed to eat so I could get some stall time: 50 minutes) Talk about cutting the deadline.

I get the exam, sign my name at the top, and take it.

I kept reminding myself: it's only an exam. In ten years, no one's gonna care what I got. And in the akhirah, I won't even remember I took it. It was a timed exam, but I spent some time in the beginning reciting some surahs and stuff. It felt like all the sleep I had missed somehow surged back into my body giving me this HUGE energy rush, and I was so powered up, so focused. Man. Subhanallah.

There were two instances in which I was completely stumped. The sort of questions that you see, and you're like "Darn it, this was the sentence I skimmed over in the book and didn't know exactly what it meant." So I skipped over them, and I asked Allah to increase my knowledge and give me understanding "Rabbi zidni ilman warzuqni fahma" and alhamdulillah the answers just miraculously popped into my head by the end of the exam. I don't know how that worked, it was from Allah so I'm not gonna try rationalizing it. Subhanallah.

A-L-H-A-M-D-U-L-I-L-L-A-H, it was overall sooo much easier than I had expected it to be! Now, you can either take this as a bad thing, cos that means I missed out on some much needed sleep. Or you can be like me who chose to be optimistic and positive for once in my life, and think “Yay! I actually didn’t fail!”

Lessons learned?

1. Never miss out on sleep - the night is for rest.
2. Don't procrastinate.
3. Remember Allah through small trials like these and He will remember you in bigger trials.
4. Who cares, it was just an exam!
5. Don't eat chocolate at 4 am thinking it will satisfy your hunger till 2 pm. I was a hungry jackelyn by the end.

(note: I'm writing this account in the early hours of the morning, so forgive my randomness and lack of cohesion)

Ve vill make your laddoo, vorry not

2006-08-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

Note to Readers: The peice shown below may not have very much significance if you aren't from/acquainted with the subcontinent of South-East Asia (Desi culture). The following is an exaggeration, and therefore a satire, of the whole marriage spiel in Desi culture. Take no offense, lay back with a lassi in your hands, and enjoy!

--

*father calls servant to summon daughter*

Father: Tell Aisha I have important news.

*daughter arrives, with head bowing humbly*

Father: Beta, I have something important to say, I think you will enjoy it much. We found boy for you, and he want marry soon. We, the Khans, have married our daughters to chitta people for centuries, and this young boy is very chitta himself. His family, the Ahmeds, is also looking for a chitti girl. Do you know what you are?

Girl: Nai, Abbu ji. (head still bowed)

*father hands girl a mirror*

Father: You, beta, are chitti.

You understand that what you chose to say from this point forward, will determine the honor that will sustain our family in future generations, and that has sustained our family since the Persians came to Hindustan. If you say no to this chitta boy, it will be like throwing a dusty carpet over the face of Princess Diana, it will scar our khandaan for centuries to come, and as the mullahs will tell you, it will shame us on Kiyamat-ka deen!

Girl: Jee, Abbu ji. (head still lowered)

Father: So beta, now that you understand this significance, and that you have all fuss class in your O lewel, I expect you indubbidably to chose visely.

*father calls in bua to open door and let succession of people arrive*

Rosy aunty, Daisy aunty, Lily aunty: Beti, kya hal haaaain? Haii Allah, you’ve grown sooo much, mashallah, mashallah.

*takes out something from behind their backs*

Aunties: Beti, we have all the mehndi ready, all the haldi ready, we have the barfee and the laddoo, we made for you already, we ewen have you a lenga here, the party is scheduled for this Friday, after juma.

Father: Ya’ani, no pressure beti, but its all your choice. *standing by girl with frying pan over her head*

Iman and its Corrupters- Dhulmaa & 'Uluwwa

2006-08-03T13:37:00.000-04:00

I was reading a tafseer of the third ayah of Surah Baqarah:

ذَلِكَ الْكِتَابُ لاَ رَيْبَ فِيهِ هُدًى لِّلْمُتَّقِينَ
002.002 This is the Book; in it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who fear Allah;

الَّذِينَ يُؤْمِنُونَ بِالْغَيْبِ وَيُقِيمُونَ الصَّلاةَ وَمِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ يُنفِقُونَ
002.003 Who believe in the Unseen, are steadfast in prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them;

The mufassir was explaining the aspects of having taqwa, or being of “those who fear Allah.” Piety is contained in the things outlined in the ayahs following: belief in the unseen, establishing salaah, spending out of Allah’s rizq to them, believing in the past and present revelations, and having yaqeen (assurance) in the akhirah (hereafter).

I’m just gonna try to explain inshaAllah the bit about “belief in the Unseen.”

Basically "iman bil ghaib" [belief in the unseen] can be divided into two questions... what is iman? And what is the unseen?

Iman is lexically believing something related unto you solely out of trust for the person who told you that thing. Meaning, you have no way to back up a statement made by this person other than the fact that THEY said it, and YOU trust them. To illustrate this, say a person held a black cloth in front of you, and they were like "This is a black cloth"... you would say "Yes, that is a black cloth." You are affirming their statement, but you are not doing it out of iman, or trust/faith in that person; rather, you are doing it out of tasdiq (verification). If any other guy came up to you and showed you that black cloth, you would say the same thing "Yes it is black," regardless of how much or how little faith you have in that person. So from this, the mufassir concludes, that Iman in something must not rely on KNOWLEDGE of that thing. It relies in trust of the narrator who is telling you that fact. It inherently requires that the "mu'min" (person who is having Iman) does not affirm the statement out of his/her own personal observations, or their knowledge that it is true. It must come from that trust...

So for us, as Muslims, we have Iman in Allah, and we have Iman in everything that the Prophet (SAWS) has told us. This isn't because we know by sight, or any of our five senses that what he (SAWS) told us is true--it is simply because we have complete trust that he is telling us the truth.

So obviously, the thing you're having Iman in, isn't something you can see or perceive, otherwise you wouldn't even need trust to acknowledge it. It is something cut off from the realm of your own observation; it is the Unseen. It is the Ghaib. So as believers, we have Iman in the Ghaib (as this ayah reflects).

Anyway, so ghaib is something we cant perceive with our 5 senses. And that is, for instance, the attributes of Allah (SWT), the coming of the Day of Judgment and the things that will happen on that day, the existence of Jannah/Jahannam. All of these we know are true because our Prophet told us...

Yeah so that's the difference between Iman and Knowledge. You can have knowledge in something, but not be a believer in it. Like Shaytaan and the Shayateen. They all KNOW for a FACT that Allah (SWT) exists -- Shaytaan prolly knows it better than any of us humans will ever know in this dunya -- but they don't adhere to His command. They are disobedient, they don't have Iman... they have knowledge, but no trust.

What is preventing them from having faith in Allah (SWT) and applying that faith into their actions, and thereby becoming obedient to Allah's command? Allah (SWT) says in the Qur'an:

وَجَحَدُوا بِهَا وَاسْتَيْقَنَتْهَا أَنفُسُهُمْ ظُلْمًا وَعُلُوًّا فَانظُرْ كَيْفَ كَانَ عَاقِبَةُ الْمُفْسِدِينَ

027.014 And they rejected those Signs in iniquity and pride, though their souls were convinced thereof: so see what was the end of those who acted corruptly!

SubhanAllah, in this verse Allah (SWT) is narrating the condition of a group of people's hearts... they know the Truth exists, they believe in it... but their actions are not affected by their belief! It is fruitless in the end-- they end up among those who "are corrupt" (al-Mufsideen). Why? Two keys: dhulmaa & 'uluwwa. Here, these are translated as "iniquity" and "pride."

in·iq·ui·ty
Gross immorality or injustice; wickedness.
A grossly immoral act; a sin.

So because of their iniquity and pride, their iman became meaningless, it did not deter them from corruption; it did not reap taqwa within their actions.

Thus, these are two poisons that we should try to avoid. Think of it like this. Iman is a pure, wonderful, beautiful, complete, correct, unadulterated thing. Like pure honey. Say you take your pure honey, and you put it in a container -- call the container your heart. But in the container, you've got a bunch of bacteria, or poison... when you stick your pure honey in there, its not pure anymore is it? It's just as good as the dirt that was already in there. And therefore, if the honey is supposed to nourish you (as Iman is supposed to foster righteous actions), its NOT going to! Instead, you'll prolly get some kind of stomach sickness... So Iman was useless, because of the two poisons: iniquity and PRIDE.

Think about pride... this is EXACTLY why Iblis' KNOWLEDGE of Allah (SWT) never surmounted to Iman and then Taqwa. He did not bow down to Adam (AS) out of kibr, and that is where it all started... that was the root of disbelief...

So we've gotta be real real real careful. Iman is essential to your life, but you won't be successful with it (like the ayah in Surah Baqarah promises to those who are muttaqeen) unless you are FREE from iniquity and pride. From dhulmaa wa 'uluwwa. Imagine how harmful those two little things can be?

Pride is so tricky-- it creeps up at you every moment. Especially at the good actions; people will want to show them off. And then, all the benefit goes down the drain.

O Allah protect us from these two corrupting poisons of Iman- Ameen.

Anything that I have said which is true is solely from Allah (SWT), and anything which I have said that is false is from myself and the Shaytaan within me.

Pin Poking in Again Part II

2006-08-02T05:55:00.000-04:00

Everyone can go hide under their sofas again, cos I'm back.

Actually, its just a bit after fajr and I have nothing to do, and people are ranting about me not updating this blog, so I thought I would write something down to remind you all (Population: 1 that reads this blog) that I still exist (even though you already knew that).

So last night, I was writing on MS Word, and I had a little encounter with Paper Clip Sahab, my darling (read: extensively aggravating) e-pal:

Thinking haraami thoughts.

*gasp* He's looking at me! Astaghfirullah, dude lower your gaze, and get back to work

I'm just gonna go give you your 70 excuses and assume you're listening to Qur'an.

Whoa. E-MACK E-MACK E-MACK. Someone has lovely big eyes. Or, should I say, a lovely ogling-at-me-through-the-screen issue!

Anyway, sorry about that, but I thought that was somewhat and minutely interesting. I shall go back to reading Neurobiology.

(Shoutout: Are you happy Rhythmic Explosion?)

Sincerely yours with a pinned up mouth,

PIM

Bustling Busy Buzz Buzz

2006-07-15T11:37:00.000-04:00

Pointless Rant

These days it seems I have time for…nothing. I seriously need to toss my wireless Internet connection into the streets (more than just because it’s the crappiest connection in the galaxy). I promised myself to memorize Qur’an after ever Salaah, but I find myself barely fitting in Salaah with all this other ishtruff that I must do. Stuff I do these busy days:

-Study (midterm in 5 days 5 hours and 51 minutes)
-Teach a Qur’an class (5 days a week, 6 pm - 9pm)
-Get my head around a potato sack of Urdu (some of my students don’t understand English)
-Volunteer at the hospital (5 hours a week)
-Avoid the aunties

Seriously, I’m getting a bit sick of biology—be it mol bio, neurobio, cheesebio, I don’t care, it’s all so blech. I mean, yeah, it’s great and wonderful that Allah (swt) created all this miraculous stuff—but I don’t need to study Allah’s (swt) miracles by bashing my head over with all-nighters and ten thousand caffeine pills in 8 weeks flat. It’s a lifetime of learning, not just a biology course. And besides, I’ve yet to come across a single bio professor that admits that “all this neuron bij is a sign of Allah’s might.” Actually, they’ll say stuff like “It’s all a result of evolution, a dash of luck, and maybe a lil bit of design.” Pfft, I swear they contradict themselves left and right. Yes, even Harvardians.

I’m thinking I need to cut down on the nasheeds (Islamic, halal songs). Yes, you heard me right: nasheeds. I probably started listening/downloading nasheeds like a year ago. ‘Course, I’ve never listened to the haraam music stuffages, but the nasheeds just aren’t worth it for me. I’m not saying people shouldn’t listen to nasheeds—a lot of them have useful lessons and the ish for youth today, and for people struggling with giving up Britney Spears or whatever, they serve as a great alternative. For me personally though, I think I’ll busy my ears with Qur’an instead. It’s much more awesomer by a jillion times. I don’t think that sentence made sense though. Jeez, I’m becoming a ranter. Tut tut, rant blogs are no good.

My homecheese has a blog, and the recitation playing on it is so amazing mashaAllah subhanAllah. I can’t stop listening to it. People have told you over and over again, but listening—even if you just listen, and don’t actually bother to go into Tafseer (which you should)—to Qur’an seriously will lift a huge load off your heart. T’is pretty cool.

I stopped memorizing Qur’an (not intentionally) like a year or so ago, and that was not a good thing to do. My daddy pops was telling me something the other day about if you get a blessing from Allah (ie: the ability to memorize Qur’an) and you neglect it (ie: don’t memorize for a year), then Allah will take that blessing away from you. Don’t want that to happen do I? Nope.

I can’t even remember why I started writing this. I think there was initially a point. Maybe I’m just ranting to vent? I dunno, how does a person vent? Is the blog an open window? Hrrrrm, right now I need to jump through a different window [of opportunity] and start studying like mad. Oh by the way, I’m turning a year older soon, and that is. So. Scary.

Companions of this World

2006-07-11T12:32:00.000-04:00

Abu Hurairah related that the Holy Prophet (salla Allahu `alayhi wa salam) said:

Allah the Exalted says: I have no reward other than Paradise for a Believing servant of mine who is patient when I take away a beloved from among his companions of the world.

(Bukhari)

SubhanAllah! A friend sent me that this morning; took ten thousand stones off my heart subhanAllah. Allah is indeed, Glorified!

Words from a Pious Woman

2006-07-09T11:52:00.000-04:00

Too much of me is talking. I think we need to listen to the words of someone else. SubhanAllah, may Allah have mercy upon her soul, quotes from Rabi’ah al-Basri:

“I will not serve God as a laborer, in expectation of my wages.”

“O Lord! If I worship You from fear of Hell, then cast me into Hell. If I worship You from desire for Paradise, then deny me Paradise. But if I worship You for Your own sake, then withhold not from me Your Eternal Beauty.”

A leading scholar of Basra visited Rabiya al-Adawiya while she was ill. Sitting beside her pillow, the scholar spoke about how terrible the world was. Rabiya told him: “You love the world very dearly. If you did not love the world, then you would not mention it so much. It is always the purchaser who first disparages what he wants to buy. If you were done with the world, then you would not mention it, for either good or evil. As it is, you keep mentioning it, because, as the proverb says, whoever loves a thing mentions it frequently.”

“May Allah steal from you all that steals you from Him.”

“I seek forgiveness from Allah for the lack of my sincerity when I say I seek the forgiveness of Allah.”

“He does not refuse sustenance to the one who speaks ill of Him. How then could He refuse sustenance for the one whose heart is overflowing in love for Him?”

If anyone has other quotes from Rabi’ah al Basri, do share in the Comments section inshaAllah.

Gems from The Islamic Personality Continued...

2006-07-07T00:59:00.000-04:00

Continued from my last post.

From Abu Umamah Iyaas ibn Tha'labah who said:

"The Companions of Allah's Messenger (SAWS) mentioned this world one day in his presence, so Allah's Messenger (SAWS) said: Will you not listen, will you not listen! Wearing old clothes is part of eemaan, wearing old clothes is part of eemaan!"

[Abu Dawud]

Zuhd (abstemiousness) is to have little regard for this world, to manifest ones poverty and need before Allah, to treat the servants of Allah kindly and gently, to avoid spending lavishly upon clothing, food and drink, and to avoid fame.

Zuhd is not the rejection of the favours that Allah, the One free and far removed from all defects, bestows upon some of His servants, rather it is as Shaikhul Islam Ibn Taymiyyah, rahimahullah, said: Keep away from that which does not bring benefit, either because it contains no benefit at all, or because something other than it is more beneficial, so that by doing the first he would be missing the greater benefit, or because it will produce something whose harm will grow to outweigh its benefit. But as regards things which are purely beneficial or predominantly, then avoidance of them is stupidity. Therefore there is to be no abstemiousness with regard to good actions.

___

From Sahl ibn Aa'd (RA) who said that Allah's Messenger (SAWS) said:

"Jibreel came to me and said: Oh Muhammad! Live as you will for you must certainly die; love whom you will since you must certainly leave him; act as you will since you shall certainly be given due reward for it; know that the believers eminence is his standing in prayer during the night, and his honor is having sufficiency without dependency upon the people."

[al-Haakim]

__

From Abu Darda (RA) who heard the Prophet (SAWS) say:

"Ahead of you is a steep mountain which will not be surmounted by those who are overburdened." So I wish to lighten my load for that ascent!

[al-Hakim]

Things of this dunya will only overburden you on your journey to your final destination (the akhirah).

Gems from The Islamic Personality

2006-07-06T16:39:00.000-04:00

I was reading a few ahadeeth a few days ago, from Shaikh Ali Hasan Ali Hameed's The Islamic Personailty, and I thought I'd share a few with you, as they were very cool subhanAllah.

From Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu anh) who said that Allah's Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said:

Love the one whom you love to a certain degree (moderately), perhaps one day he will be someone for whom you have hatred, and hate the one for whom you have hatred to a certain degree (moderately), perhaps one day he will be one whom you love.

[at-Tirmidhi]

It just reminded me, whilst reading this, that so many people will hate someone, and will practically vow to never talk to them again, cut off correspondence, take all these drastic measures in the heat of hatred... but Allah's messenger has told us not to do that. B/c you never know when that person will deserve your love. And I found that to be very important, b/c as Muslims, we should only hate and love for Allah's sake (as everything we do is for His sake alone). And if someone becomes better in the sight of Allah, we should be willing to take them back into our friendship. And on the flip side, if you love someone, like your spouse/friend/teacher/etc sooo much, sometimes that love stops being simply for Allah, and starts becoming more for that person themselves. And then, when they do something which is hated/disliked by Allah, you are blinded by your love for them b/c you didn't love them just for Allah--you loved em way too much.

From Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu anh) who said that Allah's Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said:

The believer is a mirror for the believer, and the believer is the brother of the believer. He safeguards his property for him and defends him from behind.

[hasan-al-Bukhari (al Adabul Mufrad) & Abu Dawud]

This kinda ties into 'love for your brother what you love for yourself.' If he makes a mistake, it's like you've made that same mistake, b/c for the sake of Allah you're supposed to teach him what's right, and he's to do the same for you. SubhanAllah, Islamic brotherhood/unity all the way.

From Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu anh) who said that Allah's Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said:

From the perfection of a person's Islam is that he leaves alone that which does not concern him.

[at-Tirmidhi]

A great reminder for myself especially.

From Sahl ibn Sa'd (radhiyallahu anh) who said that Allah's Messenger (sallalllahu alaihi wa sallam) said:

Beware of sins which are treated as being minor, just like a people who encamp in the centre of a vally, so someone brings a stick of firewood and someone else brings a stick until they are therefore able to bake their bread. Likewise sins which are treated as being minor and for which the person is taken to account will destroy him.

[Ahmad & Bukhari]

Its like windows and windows and windows.. you just keep falling and falling...

There's lots more that I loved, will continue insha Allah.

Life is Like Strawberries and Cream

2006-07-05T14:40:00.000-04:00

Random Musing of the Day

Firstly, the photograph you see here was taken by someone I know, as a means of cheering me up when I was a bit deflated. An 8-year-old sister prepared those strawberries for me. Yummy. Alas, the shameless inadequacy of Internet communication. Nonetheless, I have to admit the picture did induce a couple drops of salivary amylase on my tongue.

Moving on to the actual fruit of this entry (no pun intended)…

We all love strawberries & cream, right (unless you’re lactose intolerant)? Creamy sweet coating, fruity tartish red berry, and sometimes the sprinkled chocolate all around. As I e-bit into one of those strawberries, I felt like I was taking a bite into life. Now, that's not because I was really hungry (although I was), but mainly because I saw a cullinary metaphor sitting on my computer screen.

My English teacher would have been proud.

Life is yummy, well it looks really yummy, creamilicious. But when you take a bite into it, you realize its really tart. The hairy spikes of the strawberry of Life pokes at your chin, and you realize its not as easy as it looks. But if you leave the creamy coating on the top, you'll never feel the hairy spikes, and instead Life will remain sweet and luscious forever.

As believers, our cream is our deen, and our strawberry is this dunya. A deeny dunya can never be sour, so dip your strawberry into a boat of cream, and tell me what your tongue says.

A Windy Realization

2006-07-01T03:17:00.000-04:00

It's 3:13 AM. I am online. My stomach is empty. I woke up to eat. And yet, I have not eaten.
Sigh, unexplainable me.

The last few posts (read: all of the posts on this blog) have been rather dark, just sad I guess, so I thought I'd post something more cheerful. Here's something I wrote a few months ago during exam season.

A Windy Realization

It was so windy, so chilling, all the fallen leaves scattered completely amidst their green grass patch, totally thrust, utter entropy. And then, I found my head look upward, following the trunk of a tree to its top; I found myself thinking of the majesty of Allah, that He can create confusion and disorder, and He can get rid of it as well.

I was walking across the street with fresh thoughts of my last English class. Subsequently, those thoughts were interrupted with some from bio, chem, history, and math. And then, I thought about how much work there is to do, how much preparation I'll need to get into Cambridge, or Oxford. Will they really accept me? I was so...confused.

And at the peak of my confusion, I just couldn't take it anymore. With my back turned away from the road, head facing the ground, I felt my head slowly clutter, slowly gather itself into a huge, horrible knot. And then, suddenly, an enormous gust overcame me. Literally, the wind almost knocked me over, and I saw all of those beautiful autumn leaves, once so daintily placed, and the next moment thrust all over in total clutter and confusion.

And I thought about how I was standing there, not completely knocked over, and that the grass was attached with the ground, it had a smaller sway from the wind. Then I thought about how velocity and mass related to why each different object was affected differently by the wind's force. And my brain wondered how that scene related exactly to bond energies (we were studying that in chemistry), and by way of randomness, I found my thoughts once again of Cambridge, of being a scientist, of discovering the wonderful little things of the world...

When suddenly, I felt a breeze--a stronger one--force my head up towards the sky. Following the tree to its top branches, I saw the magnificent firmament, and the peace safeguarded from disorder within it.

And I thought, Oh Allah, if I ever do anything, let it only be for You. For surely, You can make Cambridge useless as a fallen leaf, or stronger than the strongest tree. Not of dreaming spires, but of the staunch fortress of knowledge, I thought. But I should have considered the One who created knowledge, and who can give it to whom He wills, wherever so He wills, even on a windy afternoon road.

Word of Allah

2006-06-30T09:28:00.000-04:00

002.155. Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere,

002.156. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity: "To God We belong, and to Him is our return":-

002.157. They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from God, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance.

-The Holy Qur'an

To My Beloved

2006-06-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

Head bent forward
In the cold night air
I think tonight again of you
My limbs weakened
My heart empty
One day I hope to fill it with you
And the love of you
For indeed I love you.

Frosty bite upon my lip
Salty water in my eyes
A painful lisp upon my tongue
An ache in my leg
I sit here sprawled on the floor
Random
I don't know
But you are somewhere
I know

These pains within me
Upon me about me
They bring about an unseen thing
Within my soul they cultivate
A stronger will
A stronger love

I do not know what words nor thoughts
Will convey this to anyone
But upon your loss, my beloved one,
I am broken, torn up, overrun.

Dedicated to the 4th -een

2006-06-29T12:47:00.000-04:00

I stand here staring into the sky,
The ground beneath my feet slipping by.
I search the stars and wonder where,
And wonder why you're not here but there...

As a teardrop scurries down my face,
And my neck bends forward in disgrace,
I drop my pencil upon the page,
And prevent myself from going into a rage.

I call your name into the night;
The shadows lurking ignore my plight.
Its echoes make a beautiful sound.
And with you in my soul, I fall to the ground.

Looking Back and Looking Inwards

2006-06-29T11:51:00.000-04:00

A Reflection

I cannot write, but I am going to try to write this. I need to tell someone, and since I have no one to tell, I am telling myself. Perhaps I am speaking to my old self, perhaps to my new one, perhaps both… Perhaps I am speaking to my creator… Perhaps I am speaking to a friend, perhaps an enemy. Perhaps all of them. I don’t know yet…

Whoever you are, I address you humbly.

I try to write poetry to ease the burden wrought across my heart; and I cannot, for indeed my heart has become iron. And at the same time, my heart is a fragile piece of glass, soft like cotton, I cry day and night; there is not one thing at which I do not find reason to weep…

My heart feels black. It reminds me of the words I heard from shuyukh when I was young: each time you make a sin, a black spot is placed upon your heart, and when you make enough sins so that your entire heart is blackened, your heart has become locked, veiled, iron… blind to the truth placed before it…

That causes me to wonder what sins I made. And although it is advised to keep sins secret, so as not to disrupt the belief of other people, I may write them down to vent. Or I may ignore them, and unthink them into nonexistence.

I wonder also, if my heart was totally blackened, then why do I weep? To me this says that my heart is nearly black, but there is a tiny corner that has remained pure, white, and clear. That is my conscience; my knowledge of right and wrong; my devotion unto He, the Bearer of Eternal Love. It is the portion of me that grimaces when I see a bad deed occurring, it is the part of me that would slap myself if I found myself sinning. It is a gift that I have never been more grateful for than now…

Because now, I am sincerely regretful. I try so hard to find my old self. That is, the self that was pure, pious, sincere, honest, frank, simple, modest, humble, and contained… That is the calm self. That is the gone self…

I try to regain this self. But in all honesty, I cannot remember who that self was. I know she was good. I know she was better. But I do not know what made her so; it was her natural purity from childhood, she had not attained it, she had been granted it. To me, my old self is unattainable…

That causes great grief within me. Now my tears are mixed with remorse and the knowledge that something special has left me forever…

Selfishly, I consider my life to be full of misery. I lament at the troubles of my life. I cry so silently that it resonates eternally within my hearing; and yet I feel selfish for being sad. I feel greedy for not being happy. Why is it that I want so much? What is it that I want?

I have always wanted some sort of love. Not the romance love. The love of a father, the love of a mother, sister, uncle, aunt, brother, the love of a cherisher… something in this world, something resembling even in the most miniscule manner, the Love of Allah, glorified and exalted is He…

I realize now, that I am not selfish. I am merely stupid. Why search I the love of a mortal, when the Love of the Most High lies so close—yet also far—to me? “He is closer to you than your jugular vein.” Who can love better than He, who created love Himself? Who knows me more than I know myself (and obviously so, because I cannot even remember what I was like just one year ago)?

I feel like my tongue has been sliced in half when I cannot convey my thoughts correctly. I want to slice my tongue in half when I am this wordy. But I need to say it. I need to get it out. Or else, forever it shall boil within me… Forever till I achieve that Love.

Oh Allah.

I ask of You, Your Mercy!
Oh Allah, I seek of You, Your Forgiveness!
Oh Allah, I need from You, Your Love!

The pious servant of Allah, Rabi’ah al-Basri, said that the key to attaining the Eternal One’s Love is to remember Him constantly.

Had I remembered You constantly, oh Allah, not a single dot would have fallen upon my heart.

I must not forget You, Oh Allah.
Oh Allah, I seek of You, Your Remembrance!

Pin Poking in Again

2006-06-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog, Bloggers, and Other Random People:

As-salaamu ‘alaikum.

Well well well, seems to me that I’m back. With a click on the “Create a Blog” button and a three-quarter-minded selection of this black template, I’m here again, in the world of blog-o-sphere. Some days I decide it’s worth jumping onto the blogawagon; other days, I just become really lazy and forget about it. Either that or I’m simply out of thoughts to write down.

If you’re the typical Internet stalker (or perhaps of the breed Random curious personens), you’ve clicked on my username and found a blog entitled It’s Amino World. From this you have no doubt concluded that Pin in Mouth is an utter nerd/dork/both and incapable of producing thoughtful and striking work. You might be right. I would set ya up on a bet, but betting is haram.

In any case, as of this moment I am here, so I shall be sure to try not to deprive your mind of some sugar-sweet helpings to knowledge (and maybe entertainment, if you’re lucky).

Was-salaamu ‘alaikum.

Yours truly with a pen, pin, and pickle in mouth,
PIM